not so secretly unhip

phew

Mon, 13 Oct 2008 02:33:39 GMT

well THAT'S over. thank goodness. and i didn't even have to get smashed to make it through! although frankly, the brain cold i've had for the last week or so has really helped me feel like i'm drunk most of the time.

ANYWAY.

it was fine. the ex was really sweet and his new paramour was really nice and also knew enough to keep her distance, which i think was honestly for the best. i was a bit more zen about the whole experience today, which helped. and i made it through. and i'm not feeling angry anymore, which is also good. in a weird way, this whole thing has really made me feel more secure in my current relationship, which is awesome.

saying, TRULY saying, goodbye to your past? sometimes really really hard.

i'll try to be around here more. tell me what you want to hear about and i'll spill!

this is not really a return

Sat, 11 Oct 2008 01:47:43 GMT

...in that a return would require me to be a bit more...thorough. but i've had a pseudo sinus infection for almost a week and am therefore not thinking clearly. then tonight i found out that my ex-boyfriend is coming to a friend's wedding celebration this weekend, one to which i am bringing my current girlfriend. oh, and i just found out that the ex-boyfriend? is bringing HIS current sorta-maybe-we're-dating-but-it's-"recent and ambiguous" friend who just happens to be someone with whom we both went to college. she and i were friends, a few years ago. oh, and HER former-maybe-current best friend? is my new neighbor and very good friend.

yeah. my brain is barely working at the moment. anyway, it's SNAFU 100% here at headquarters. the rest of my life is fine, for the most part. i finished my MPH, i have a job in finance because public health jobs in boston were hard to come by, i live with my girlfriend, sprout is still cute and a little stinky. oh, and the girlfriend found me TWO card catalogues! so that's pretty awesome.

clearly there's much more to say. but i'm weirdly reeling over the developments for this weekend and i just needed to talk to ... someone. and that someone is you! hello, folks. i've been reading, so i kinda never left.

talk to you soon.

to lock or not to lock? that is the question.

Sat, 08 Sep 2007 17:46:39 GMT

i can never decide if i want to lock these or not.

pro:
- nobody i don't want reading it (which really means people who these are ABOUT aren't reading them, because who else would i be worried about, you know?)

con:
- new friends who stumble across my journal won't get to see how interesting i am! (the "look at me! look at me!" phenomenon)

i can easily refute both statements (i try to live honestly, so hopefully i'm not writing things that would surprise/offend anyone; and do i seriously think i write these entries to make new friends? not particularly. i don't have a huuuuge online friendbase, so no worries).

anyway. i think i'm not going to lock these for now, unless i feel like they're really sensitive.

the next post i will lock, mostly because it involves someone else's privacy, and i feel bound to protect that. but for the rest? we'll see.

so later or tomorrow...the relationship catch-up! i know that's what you've all been waiting for. :)

the doldrums

Thu, 06 Sep 2007 18:21:24 GMT

when i'm unemployed, i tend to:
- sleep late (we're talking a struggle to get up by 11)
- watch hours upon hours of television (and i don't even have cable)
- eat bizarre "meals," mostly random leftovers and bits of nothing, at all hours
- go to bed at 2AM on average
- do NOTHING all day
- enjoy a generalized anxiety while patently refusing to do anything to get myself out of the unemployment situation

i'm not sure if these habits make me really GOOD at being unemployed (as said habits manage to keep me unemployed for ridiculous amounts of time) or really BAD at being unemployed. depends on the definition of "good," i guess.

anyway. today i will talk about my recent job life and current unemployment, in the interest of Catching Everyone Up. and i'm not putting in LJ cuts, sorry. just not in the mood.

Past
last we spoke, i had more or less recently quit my job to go to school full-time. turns out i'm a crappy student. i mean, i should've REMEMBERED that, but i haven't tried in a while. but i *do* know that i need schedules, i need structure, and i don't do very well without either. as a result, the fall was more than a little painful. probably didn't help that i took four writing-intensive courses and no intro-level classes. live and learn. i did fine, grade-wise (not that it particularly matters), but it was incredibly draining. the debt was also pretty crushing; i basically took on $25K of debt for 4 months of schooling, which is INSANE.

so i decided i needed to go back to part-time and get another job. i managed to line something up in my department and dropped off the paperwork on my way to the airport for two weeks in ecuador and the galapagos (amazing trip with my parents for my dad's 60th; i'll put up pictures in a locked post sometime soon). returned and started work as a research assistant practically the next day.

the work was...fine. i did some awesome qualitative research analysis on data regarding adolescent drinking practices in italy, and i enjoyed working with my new boss quite a bit. unfortunately, there were some misunderstandings regarding how long i needed the job; my boss decided to only keep me on through mid-august, despite the fact that i repeatedly told her i probably wouldn't be able to find a job to replace that one before i got laid off. so august 16th i was officially gone and have been unemployed ever since.

Present
i suck at job searching. i haven't had to do it in a really long time, not in such a generalized way, and i've never been unemployed and on my own. so it's stressful, to say the least. money is okay this month but will be a serious problem next month if i don't get something together soon. i have two more days of work at my department, and will start temping ASAP. but that hinders my job search too, so...yeah.

wow. bored myself. point is: i am unemployed. it is not fun. unemployment doesn't cover my cost of living, not even close. so i need to get my shit together and quick. right now, i mostly feel like reading novels and pretending my unemployment doesn't exist. we'll see how that goes.

so expect lots of me procrastinating in the future, i guess is the point. and also, if you know anyone in public health in boston, feel free to drop me a line. i could use the help.

the short of it

Wed, 05 Sep 2007 17:54:44 GMT

i am feeling more anxious and less...intoxicated this afternoon than i was last night, so no poetry from me today. just a very quick update for you.

- still with the lovely young lady i was dating when we last spoke. we live together now, paying too much for my old apartment without a third roommate. i love her and things in our relationship are generally good. she's been recently diagnosed with endometriosis and will be having surgery this fall, which has continued to cramp her style in terms of finishing up her last 3 credits of college, finding a job, etc. her dad still pays her bills. her inertia and continued unemployment are my only concerns.

- finished up my MPH a few weeks ago, huzzah! left my job at the school as well, and took two weeks of pure vacation at L's summer house in maine. it was great.

- now am unemployed and stressed about money. lalala.

i'm sure there's more to fill you in on, but i just can't think of anything else. job, school, relationship. check! tell me what you want to know more about and i'd be happy to share.

wino

Wed, 05 Sep 2007 04:48:16 GMT

it has been probably about a year? right?

i drank exactly the wrong amount of wine tonight. or perhaps just drank the wrong beverage for a slow and lost kind of a day. either way, it's brought on introspection and melancholy instead of happy giddy, which is a shame. i'm not in the mood for introspection.

i think i have to recognize that, despite the fact that this COULD be a great jumping-off point for me and my life, the next 12 months are much more likely to be about Getting Through than they are to be profoundly life-changing and inspirational. i have this feeling. and i think i can make peace with that. but ...

well.

there is much, much more to say, as always. perhaps i'll start posting here again. won't mean much to any of you, but i've never stopped reading. i just stopped wanting to write about my life. maybe i'm ready to start again.

love to everyone.

meh

Fri, 02 Jun 2006 13:30:16 GMT

dammit.

things that have gone wrong this morning:
- gay puerto rican neighbors woke me up at 7:00 having loud conversations on their deck, which it looks like they're going to do every morning. i went to bed at 2:00.
- spilled water all over my alarm clock; now it's permanaently 5:08 with some of the bars missing, and the radio just plays fizzle
- in a moment of clarity, i realized i'd probably been paying late fees on my credit card bill and just hadn't noticed. i finally opened one of my paper bills, and i was right. dammit, i'm a jerk. (how badly does it affect my credit rating that i've been late with a couple of payments, even if it was only a few days late and the bill was paid off in full?)

and now i have 1.5 hours to shower, get dressed, and pack for DC. and leave.

meh. today had better get better.

if my plane crashes, just know that i loved you all.

...

99 in the shade

Thu, 01 Jun 2006 19:33:23 GMT

you know what i love about new england?
is that one day it's like, 60.

and then?

94, baby. and humid. woah with the humid.

but you know what?
i'm not gonna complain.
because i am so much happier sweating through a t-shirt than i am freezing my butt off.

...

tomorrow night, at the black cat in DC, ben's band the bonapartes play their very last show. it's gonna be huge, kids. and i'll be there. so if you're around, you should be there too!

another update

Fri, 26 May 2006 05:28:28 GMT

polly is awake! and talking! the tubes are out of her throat! this is all very good news. i'm not sure what sort of rehab she's going to need, or what her brain function is like, but the fact that she's responsive, capable of speech, etc. are all just fucking amazing. i'm so thrilled. thanks for all your kind thoughts when things were so dark.

no more should.

Wed, 24 May 2006 19:21:53 GMT

do you ever stop to think about how much guilt you carry? i carry so much
guilt. guilt for staying up too late, guilt for not waking up early enough.
guilt for not eating as well as i "should," guilt for not calling my brother
enough, guilt for not taking care of that one niggling bill from my hospital
stay 2 years ago. guilt for losing track of friends, guilt for not having an
exact direction, guilt for eating meat, guilt for spending money, guilt for
not using the gym on which i spend so much of that money.

that's a lot for one person to carry.

today i'm working on forgiving myself, on letting go of that guilt. i'll let
you know how it goes.

an update

Mon, 22 May 2006 18:30:08 GMT

there is lots more i should write. my new schedule has me in this really weird headset; too much free time, which is an absurd thing to say when you consider that all i've thought about over the last nine months has been my complete lack of free time. but i don't work terribly well without a schedule. so i'm attempting to become a grown-up and manage my time accordingly. not working yet, but we'll see.

my friend polly is going to live. this is very, very good news. she's still in the medically-induced coma, although it sounds like they might wake her up sometime this week. this part is scary; we don't know how much brain damage occurred during her five minutes of cardiac arrest a week ago, and i don't think we'll have any idea until she wakes up. so we're all incredibly happy that she's going to survive, but we're not quite sure what sort of polly we're going to find on the other side of that sedation. either way, keep your good thoughts coming; polly certainly still needs them.

i have more to say, but i need to get going with my day. i hope you're all well.

xo

polly

Wed, 17 May 2006 04:08:18 GMT

my friend polly is in the hospital.
she is in a medically-induced coma.
her heart stopped for five minutes on sunday night.
they don't know if or when she'll wake up.

this was somehow caused by strep? resulting in toxic shock syndrome or something? i am fuzzy on the details.

if you pray, please do.

a prayer for polly.

You know I don’t pray.
There is no god to listen,
And the universe already knows what I want.

The universe feels the keening.
My curtains know that I am lost,
Simply lost.

The subscription cards
From the stupid magazine
I bought before the world was ending
Know they are inappropriate,
Not welcome.
Stupid, how moments change on us.

The card from the one I love
Is wrong because it is not to you, from you, for you, with you.
It knows it should be under fluorescence
Grinning weakly under the pressured beeping
Of your room.

I can’t find my socks.
I haven’t really looked.
I don’t want to find them.
(I know where they are)
(they’re underneath my dirty comforter.)
(praying themselves, praying)

…

none of this feels for you, though.

This is me being lost.

This is me seeing the text of reality without being able to picture it.
To picture the truth.
To picture you as I’ve seen you on television, dressed as someone else,
A different actor, a part being played.
I have seen the chest rise and fall on command
The in and out of a bicycle pump and a holey tire
Hot tar and burned nose.
But it has never been yours, that holy tired.
I would never have imagined it possible.

…

that is not for you either.
None of this is.
It’s all for me.

For you, a prayer for you, is about
The great poop I had last week
That emptied my gut and lightened my load
And was a relief.

A prayer for you is about my dog
And how sometimes he grunts in his sleep
And that his beard is getting moldy with all this rain.

A prayer for you is about
Learning to appreciate electronic noise
And its possibility

And recognizing the beauty in past and present together.

But you would sort of hate that too, I think. Because I’m trying not to be cheesy. You like cheesy, but only with purpose. Not cheesy melodrama.

Dammit.
Dammit, Polly.

…

my prayer for you is this:

that you will again be barefoot in warm grass
that you will again contemplate forever
and be afraid of it, and hopeful
that you will laugh uproariously in a public place
and offend people whose panties are twisted tight
that you will wash your hair and feel it tangle in your hands
that you will make music
that you will love, and be loved
that you will eat ice cream with me, maybe, someday
and will forgive me for not being funnier
when you need me to be
because you can’t
today.

the seven-day weekend

Sun, 07 May 2006 19:26:49 GMT

i've realized that what i really need is a three-day weekend, every weekend.

day 1: do absolutely nothing. lounge, watch movies, go to the park, go shopping, relax and be happy.
day 2: household chores. clean my room, the bathroom, do laundry, grocery shop, wash windows, etc.
day 3: schoolwork and other paperwork-related things (bill-paying, applying for internships, etc.)

alas, this is not the way the world works. although hopefully i can work it out such that i'll have four-day weekends this summer. that would be rad.

the feats of one woman, early saturday

Sat, 06 May 2006 17:34:07 GMT

so far today i have eaten:
- a snack bag of cool ranch doritos
- two small brownies from a neighborhood bake sale
- half a bag of "spice drops" from CVS
- half a bottle of gatorade, flavor "red"

i am not posting this to be like, oh, i'm so fat and gross! but rather
because i'm sort of impressed with myself. never have i started off a day
with such a lack of nutritional value.

maybe i'll have a beer, just to really go all out.

or perhaps i'll make tasty eggs.

although, after all that crap, i may just need to take a nap and nurse my
bellyache. stupid sam.

weekend! cha cha cha.

wherein wine = gratitude, melancholy

Fri, 05 May 2006 01:46:17 GMT

i don't do drugs. it's not a moral qualm; i'm just a bit of a control freak. i don't like not knowing what's going on. the only times in my life i've been high have been on vicodin and morphine.

i don't really enjoy being drunk, either. i mean, in the moment, sure. but the aftermath is a little too much, generally.

still, i do enjoy a bit of substance-induced joi de vivre. my favorite has to be the three-glasses-of-wine buzz. it brings the exact amount of "wow, this world is so shiny and fuzzy and hooray!" without the troubling "wait, table? ow!" moments.

last night, i had one of those fabulous wine-induced moments, during which i felt...fantastically expansive. you know that feeling? like you could just open up and breathe in everything? it was lovely.

tonight? well, tonight i started off bad. tonight i started off feeling that hard grain of low, worrying its way into my gut, and the wine became a straining attempt to recapture last night's joy. it didn't work. i feel just as paralyzed as i did this afternoon.

this, too, shall pass.

motivation? quoi?

Wed, 03 May 2006 16:24:08 GMT

it is my second-to-last week of work. my boss is in tucson for the next three days. i have zero interest in completing anything. ANYTHING.

i am so looking forward to the next chapter. so very much. yes, indeed.

gawsh

Fri, 28 Apr 2006 02:57:24 GMT

i can't help but wonder what it is that keeps me from writing lately. i'm on LJ all day, every day. i've been keeping up with all of your trials and tribulations, and commenting at the rare moments when it feels important rather than frivolous. it certainly isn't that i haven't had anything to say. sometimes it's...it's as though all i can see is the sum total, which makes it incredibly difficult to break it down into pieces. that goes for my head and for LJ.

but i miss you. i don't want to entirely sever whatever tenuous connections i have here through a lack of communication. so i'm going to stop treating it as something so precious that it requires hours of contemplation and just tell you.

the quick, for now:

1) i have quit my job. hallelujah, i have quit my job. may 12th is my last day.
2) i am taking on student loans. i am still entirely unsure how this works and terrified about it, but it became a necessity. i am excited, but i'm also nervous. and i have no idea what i'm doing. and am thinking i might starve, and so might sprout. so i hope i can figure this out.
3) i am sick. this is hardly news. blah. started on sunday, will hopefully head out soon.
4) ben's band is on it's way out. i am unsure how to feel about it. he may come to boston. i don't know.

this is coming off much sadder than it should. the truth is, good things are on the horizon, but i have a lot to figure out before i hit that sweet spot ahead. and the way is rocky, at the moment. but i'm working on it.

kisses, munchkins.

for holly

Sat, 25 Mar 2006 20:16:55 GMT

and for me.

Wild Geese

You do not have to be good.
You do not have to walk on your knees
for a hundred miles through the desert, repenting.
You only have to let the soft animal of your body love what it loves.
Tell me about despair, yours, and I will tell you mine.
Meanwhile the world goes on.
Meanwhile the sun and the clear pebbles of the rain
are moving across the landscapes,
over the prairies and deep trees,
the mountains and the rivers.
Meanwhile the wild geese, high in the clean blue air
are heading home again.
Whoever you are, no matter how lonely,
the world offers itself to your imagination,
calls to you like the wild geese, harsh and exciting--
over and over announcing your place
in the family of things.

MARY OLIVER

from the other end

Sat, 18 Mar 2006 19:16:07 GMT

so yeah.

sometimes i fall off the edge, eh?

i'm not quite back on again. things haven't been awful, they just haven't been great. i get tired of hearing myself complaining.

but i'm going to try to come back. i've been reading everyone's LJs religiously, as per usual. i just ... haven't had much to say, i guess. but things are fine, i'm fine, nothing tremendously dramatic happened. i just fell out of the habit.

anyway, this is just me saying hi. hi!

buzzbuzzbuzzNEEDRITALINbuzzbuzzbuzz

Fri, 20 Jan 2006 20:24:14 GMT

i have not been this distracted in a really long time. it's like i can't get a goddamned thing done today; i don't know what's wrong with me. grrr! i'm just so unfocused.

it worries me that it seems i respond well (in terms of my percentage of output, not necessarily my emotional state) to being berated and threatened by and living in fear of my boss. uh-oh.

flexing my LJ muscles

Fri, 20 Jan 2006 14:58:59 GMT

it's been quiet around these parts, i know. i haven't...i can't explain why it's been so. just trying to get on my feet and figure out what steps to take with my life, i guess. i'll let you know how that goes.

for now, a few morning thoughts:

- delete button on gmail! gods be praised.
- i can't decide if reading "the handmaid's tale" on the bus, an old mass market paperback copy, makes me look smart or dumb. is it considered a "good" book? do other people think about how their commuting reading material reflects upon their intelligence? i mean, i would never read a self-help book on the bus. that's just too much information for the crazy guy sitting next to me.
- i need to work on being more sensitive towards those with mental disorders. for example, not calling them "crazy" would be a good start.
- i am trying out maple tea this morning. no verdict yet.
- why am i incapable of sleep before 12:15? whywhywhy?
- i'm going to join a gym this weekend. it will be the best money i spend this year. and i just...have to.
- ben's ticket up next weekend cost $88! from DC! i was contemplating going down over president's day weekend. my cost? $255. awesome.
- one new bus driver continues to entirely foul up my morning commute. he's really starting to piss me off. i'm considering a phone call. "can you tell the 8:21 bus driver to try, i don't know, DRIVING??"

so. good morning! share with me your humble thoughts. i'm listening.

something i just remembered

Fri, 20 Jan 2006 04:15:13 GMT

when ben's cousin A was little(r) and someone called her small (she's quite petite for her age)(which is almost 9), she said, "i'm not small!" and someone asked her what she was. and she said, "i'm tiny huge."

i love that.

i'm tiny huge, too. for sure.

FYI

Thu, 12 Jan 2006 15:27:06 GMT

hi everyone...

first of all, thank you all so much for your condolences. i'm really doing okay. i loved her, i will miss her, and it's a blessing to have had her in my life. i feel lucky to feel the pain of loss, because it means i have things to lose.

secondly, shilling for ben's band the bonapartes, who are on the road this week. tonight at arlene's grocery in NYC, tomorrow night in philly at the fire, and saturday night in arlington at galaxy hut. come one, come all! i will be in DC this weekend for connie's memorial, and will definitely be at the show on saturday, so if you want to see me, that's a good time to do it!

okay, chickens. off to do work. xo

...

Wed, 11 Jan 2006 05:20:18 GMT

she's gone. she slipped away at around 11PM. the fact that she is dead isn't as sad as the fact that her big jug of cheese balls in her room is probably not finished. as the fact that her six clocks are still ticking. as the fact that she will never see the quilt i decided to give to her all those months ago, but never quite finished. as the fact that merlin will not understand why she hasn't come home. as the fact that her dentures don't have anywhere to live anymore. that her tiny clothes have no owner, that her room no longer has a purpose. she was sick and in pain for a long time; her death is a relief. but her absence...her absence is what makes that hard darkness in my heart well up and bubble over.

contractions

Tue, 10 Jan 2006 04:49:44 GMT

connie was born on january 1, 1930. her real name is eufrocina, which came
from a calendar put out by the church; each day had a boy's name and a
girl's name. she remembers having to stop and take the basket off of her
head so she could bow to the japanese soldiers who had occupied the
philippines. her brothers used to yell at her for singing while riding a
water buffalo in the family fields. she was sent away to live with
grandparents when the family got too big; she never knew her siblings all
that well. she had to have lemon halves tied to her chest as a young
teenager in order to give her the chest to fill out the dress she wore as a
bridesmaid in a wedding.

the first time connie met my mother, she lied to her. she told her she was
40 when she was really 54. connie used to dry papaya seeds on the windowsill
in her room, and i thought they were mouse poop. she was shorter than me by
the time i was 9. she always told me not to watch TV in the afternoons, but
i never listened. she liked to get manicures.

when she lived in egypt with my parents, she would go to church because
that's where all the filipinas hung out, even though she didn't really
believe in god. we had to buy her a bible. she spent her time gallavanting
with women in their 20s and 30s, in her cardigans and her old people shoes.
the family dog was morose whenever she was gone.

connie never got married, but she raised two sets of children. she always
started stories from the middle and they sort of circled around to the
beginning and then the end. a few years ago, connie was hit by a car going
at least 45 miles an hour while she tried to cross the street to wait for
the bus. i ran all the way there, straight out of bed. when i saw her in the
ER, i had to sit down in the hallway; she looked alien. she almost died, so
many times, but my parents and the doctors fought for her; they fought so
hard. she's had years she never would've had; she's gone to california, and
toronto. she's made me laugh, and she fell in love with sprout.

connie will most likely be dead before the week is out, just after her 76th
birthday. i didn't get her a present. i started a quilt for her two years
ago, but i never managed to finish it. i don't know what i'm going to do
with it now.

i have loved connie for as long as i have memory. and i know that she is
tired, and that she doesn't want to be in the hospital, and that she doesn't
want to be in pain anymore. but my world will be so very much emptier
without her in it.